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          能有一个地方痛哭而不被人打扰也是一种幸福

          更新时间: 2017-03-08 阅读:

            故乡,在我的生命里,一直是个遥远的所在。

            我的灵魂是飘零的,一直找不到归所,不管我是八岁、十八岁、二十八岁、三十八岁,我一直在寻找,那个能让我停留的地方……

            我能感受到风的凌厉,空气的如刀,而我却必须要在这样的感觉里活下去。

            不知道为什么,总感觉死亡不是结束,而是重生。

            每一个人在我的生命里,都只像一个符号,他们书写着我每一段岁月时光。

            最牵挂的莫过于母亲,虽然此生没有给她带来任何的幸福和安慰,可是她却是我一直活下去的动力,有娘在,至少在心里,还觉得有个家,觉得自己有根可寻。

            在这个世界里,每个人都不一样,每个人都有属于自己的悲伤忧伤,但是最终的结局都是死亡。

            因为一直知道这种结局是每一个人一直逃不掉的结果,所以无论再多苦,再多痛,我都不会想着要自己结束自己的生命。

            去年4月,二哥去世了,他去世的时候仅仅45岁,而我除了难以言喻的悲伤外,我一直在想,二哥是去哪儿了?

            死亡是什么?真的是一无所有了吗?

            二哥死后,曾梦中与他相遇两次,一次是他去世后不久,在梦里我已知道他去世,我问他:“你可还有什么遗憾?”

            他说:“没有,现在只是在关注小儿子的成绩,他的成绩不太理想!”

            然后他带着我去到一片空地里,指空地中的一处坟包说:“现在我住在这里,很安静,没有什么可牵挂!”

            醒后,我没有哭泣,也没有害怕,这便是亲人的灵通吧,或许二哥是真的安心而去了。

            还有一次梦见他,就在不久前,他说他找不到他的妻子了,然后他告诉了我们的大嫂了了,可是没有人相信。

            醒后,我久久不能平静,我想不明白,他为什么去了另一个世界了,却还是要找这个女人?如果不是这个女人伤他太深,他也不会去得这么早。

            他不是死了吗?为什么人死还不能万事休呢?

            在此,我不想说他的一生如何如何,其实每个人,他的一生都是充满传寄和劫难的,所以他的生他的死或许都只是还了一次债,又欠了一生债,然后下世再来还罢了。

            我只从二哥的身上看到人生的无常,让我更珍惜自己的每一分每一秒。

            我知道自己的命运并没有比二哥好到哪里去,无论何时何地,我都只是默默存在,默默沉受,默默耕耘。

            但是我知道我比二哥看得通透,他在痛苦的时候,选择借酒浇愁,而后沉轮到无法自拔,而我不一样,我也借酒浇愁,但我不会沉轮,我会在酒醒后,认真的工作,认真的数时光,过属于自己每一寸光阴,哪怕是要面对那些无法逃避的伤痛。

            我很少哭,但并不代表我不会哭,我会在冲凉的时候,借着冲凉的水柱久久难以释怀。我会在一个的时候,让泪水静静地滑出眼眶,但是一旦有人靠近,我的泪水便自觉地收回去。

            我不会在别人面前哭,因为我觉得哭是一件丢脸的事,因为小时候总被最大的哥哥赶出门不给饭吃,那时候我就是只会昏天暗地地哭,可是哭并没有给我带来任何的怜悯,只会惹来邻居和同学的嘲笑和背后的窃窃私语。

            后来,我一直想着要远离这种生活,远离这种日子,于是义无返顾地想要远嫁,只觉得只有远嫁才能逃离这一切。

            17岁的时候机会来了,父亲去世了。

            父亲去世的时候,把我叫到他身边说:“我死后,你去打工去吧,打工盘您小哥读书,我给他算过命,他是唯一会吃皇粮的孩子!”

            我没有说话,我不知道自己该说什么,我只是默默地接受了这份安排。

            离开家的时候竟然还有一丝欣喜,因为我终于逃离了这个恶梦连连的地方,我在心里告诉自己说:"我再也不回来了!"

            于是,我是那么的痛定思痛,在十八一朵花的年纪里,固执地拒绝一个又一个优透的家乡小青年的追求,因为我心里总有一个声音告诉我:绝不回去,绝不回到任何一个离那个家很近的地方.

            然后他出现了,他离家够远,他说话够甜,的的确确与家里人不一样,他还会宠我,虽然他的宠是有条件的,但是他却比家里的哥哥和父亲好很多,因为家里的父亲和哥哥,无论我多少尽力讨好,他们都从来没有对我和颜悦色过.

            在一起后,虽然知道他有多么的不堪,可是,我却没有退路,这是我的选择,我已无路可逃……。

            我学会了认命,我学会了风轻云淡,我学会了放弃和妥协。

            我曾经那么的认真抗挣过,总觉得只要离开了那样的家,便有幸?扇,可是事实并不是如此,无论我怎么挣,苦难从来不曾离开我分豪。

            其实退一步来说,我现在还是幸福的,至少我可以有一个没人知道的角落痛哭而不被人打扰,没有人会嘲笑,能有一个痛哭着而不被打扰的环境,是多么的幸福呢。

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