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          懂得对生命说yes,生命才会回报给你更多的

          更新时间: 2016-10-16 阅读:

            在一次朋友聚会上,认识一女朋友,我们两个人聊到厨艺,她告诉我自己很喜欢吃鲈鱼,但是不会做。我告诉她,做鲈鱼一点都不难,最简单的做法就是清蒸了。我分享了自己清蒸鲈鱼的做法。她听了一半忽然说:我是西北人,从小吃鱼少,也不会做。我笑着说:那可以学呀!她回应到:我学不会,而且我是西北人嘛,天生缺少做鱼的细胞。

            在后来的聊天中,我发现这个女生有很多类似“我是西北人,我学不会做鱼”的信念。她和你抱怨男朋友不带她出门旅行,你说很多女生会独自旅行,她就来一句“一个女孩,不应该自己去旅行,多危险啊”。她说羡慕单位某个女同事除了上班,还自己开了一个小公司,收入颇丰,你还没来得及回应,她已经自己总结道:“一个女人这么折腾干嘛,赚钱的事情,男人做就好了!

            这时,我忽然明白,这位女性有很多的“作为一个女人,‘应该’如何如何”的观念。在认知上,她有爱情随笔诸多的“应该”倾向,也会给自己贴上许多标签,这是一种自我设限的表现,阻碍了她去尝试和学习许多新鲜的事物,也让她的人生减少了很多体验的乐趣,当然,她本人并没有意识到也不认同这一点。

            在生活中,我看到有太多这样的女性在自我设限。有的女生上学时说我是女生,数理化学不好。有的女生大学毕业找工作时说,我表达能力差,做不了销售。等到谈恋爱时,她们又说,作为一个女生,我要矜持,不能主动约男生。后来结婚生子,她们又会说,我体力不如从前了,我再也没有自由了......

            如果要把女性分为两类,我会划分为:一类是自我设限的,一类则是打破自我设限的。我身边有许多优秀的女性,她们往往属于后者。有个女老师原来的工作是女子监狱的狱警,五十多岁才开始学习心理学,成为心理咨询师,给犯人做心理咨询。后来又学习了催眠,成了有名的催眠师。她用自己的成长以及专业的知识改善了与丈夫和儿子的关系。在她六十多岁时,同龄人早都退休了,她还能靠讲课、培训、做心理咨询挣不少的钱,更重要的是她拥有一个幸福的家庭和充实又有意义的老年生活。

            有一位做社会工作的前辈,她大学学的是历史专业,后来研究生时她换了社会学专业,在五十岁时她又去香港的大学学习女性主义。与她交谈,你会发现她丰富的学识以及不同的学科背景带给她多元又独特的视角,她总有很多有趣的想法和观点,令人惊叹,引人深思。

            还有一位一直在高校任职的女老师,在自己60岁时开始创业,开了一家咨询公司,我们无数的后辈们对其佩服不已。

            我还想到日本出生的仓永美沙。她从小练习芭蕾舞,由于身材比较娇小,一直不被重视,但她却从未放弃,更加努力地练习,敢于突破一般芭蕾舞者常规的既定限制,直到终于达成自己的梦想,成为首位登上波士顿芭蕾舞团领舞席的亚洲舞者。

            这些女性敢于抛弃自我预设,突破有形无形,外在内在的束缚和限制,大胆向前去追求自己想要的生活。她们让我看到女人其实可以通过自己的努力,改变自己的人生;让我相信女人的命运应该掌握在自己手中,而非由先天dna注定;女人可以不受他人眼光的限制,坚持与勇敢地追求理想,就能改写自身的命运。她们是我学习的榜样,无形中激励着我,让我去迎接更多的挑战,定义更好的自己。

            回顾我自己近30年的成长历程,其实是个持续不断突破许多外界给我的限制和规则,并与我自己的“自我设限”做斗争的过程(这个过程现在还在继续着)。上高中时,我们有了化学课,有不少人对我说,女孩学不好化学?晌曳⑾治叶曰Ш芨行巳,而且我心中有一个疑问:如果女孩学不好化学,为什么我们的化学老师是女的呢?这激励我努力学习化学,化学成绩也一直名列班级前茅。文理分科时,我选择读文科,化学和地理老师还来劝我慎重考虑,希望我改变选择。

            我大专学的是会展策划和管理,自考本科时我想选择广告学,可很多人对我说,你可以选择工商管理这个专业,放弃因为专业差异不会那么大,通过考试和找工作都比较容易。但是我没有,还是学了广告。因为对广告感兴趣,我学得努力又快乐,大专毕业之际,不仅拿到了大专的文凭,还拿到了广告学的学士学位。这再一次让我看到,别人怎么说不重要,重要的是自己想要什么,以及为了这个想要的付出努力。也许因为从小就喜欢写作,再加上在广告公司做策划文案的积累,我开始在豆瓣写日记,后来出书,成为自由撰稿人,然后又去学习心理咨询......我现在做着自己喜欢的事,过着自己想要的生活。

            前段时间,我看了心理学家卡罗?德威克做的ted演讲,讲一种成长型思维——“还没”的力量。我们能发展我们大脑学习和解决问题的能力。如果你现在做得不好,失败了,不是你不够聪明无法解决问题,只是你“还没”想到解决的办法。演讲中展现了大量实验结果,许多成绩不好的孩子通过学习成长型思维不仅获得了巨大的进步,还收获了满满的信心与意志力。

            我喜欢这样的思维方式。不是我们不能成功,只是我们还不够努力。当我们懂得欣赏自己的努力和坚持时,我们能够培养出自己更强大的意志力和生命力,便更容易取得成功。

            必须承认作为一个人,我们都有人之为人的无助、脆弱与局限,但是自我设限就像给自己挖了一个很大的陷阱,你还没有努力往前走,就已经掉进坑里了。很多女性总是在想:“我一个人,不能过得快乐”;“我这么大年纪了,没办法再读个学位了”;“我性格内向,就是处不好人际关系”;“我是个女的,赚不到同男人一样多的钱”;“我离过婚,没有男人会再爱上我了”......这样的自我设喜悦限当然会带给你好处,可以防止你因自身能力不足带来的挫败感,可以暂时让你感觉良好,维护一部分自我价值感,但更多的是对你造成伤害。它会让你找借口变得懒惰,放弃努力,放弃坚持,每天都在扼杀自己的潜力和欲望,让你失去你原本可以拥有的成功机会,让你还没有好好活过,却像已经步入坟墓的人一样丧失希望与活力。

            女性成长的过程是不断被教育,被规划,不断接受外界赋予标准的过程,家长老师、时尚杂志、传媒资讯、社会习俗等会给你列出各种女人应该怎么怎么,如何如何的标准。除此之外,很多女性也会自我设限。语言和思维的自我设限和暗示,会让一个人的世界越来越狭窄。

            如果你是一名女性,希望你能学会独立思考,敢于去挑战那些标准和条条框框,去认清什么才是自己真正想要什么,能够为自己的命运做主,改写自己的命运。同时,懂得突破自我设限的瓶颈,对自己的生命说yes,生命才会回报你更多的可能与精彩。(来源/人人小站,文/meiya)

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